I love you!

Today has had it's ups and downs, mostly down, but where would I be without them. Today there was a disagreement with Luke and I, something stupid that got to be over the top retarded because it just kept on going. Today at work I couldn't stop thinking about Luke, and the fight. I just wanted to say to him right at that moment, "I want this to be over, I love you soo much that words cannot describe, and all what we are really doing is hurting each other." But he was at school and I was at work. Later on Luke came to start his shift. I felt so sad because I knew he was. During the end of work I called my mom to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to take the car and go back to Publix just to pick him up and waste gas. While I was trying to do that I opened my phone to see that Luke had left me four pages of a text saying that he doesn't know what I am thinking because I do not tell him, that he loves me, and how much he is saddened to see me distressed. I want to tell him EVERYTHING it is just that if I tell him what I am thinking, I do not want him to get anymore angry. I just figure if I stay quiet things will subside and everything will be alright. And most of the time I do not know what to say, and I do not want to say anything stupid and screw everything up. Which makes me depressed is knowing that Luke is thinking that he is at fault for everything when really it takes to people to tango. Luke, it is not your fault, I love you more than anything else in this world, I would give everything I have just to make you happy. I want you to know that I will always take your side and be by your side. Love you always and forever and ever.

Hurt Feelings :-(

One thing is certain I know pregnancy tests are not 100% accurate. I am scared just as much as he is maybe even more of having a kid. I am scared to death. I think of Luke's reaction toward having a kid and I also think about not being able to take care of it properly. I get sad every time a conversation with a kid pops up because I know Luke isn't happy with the idea. I am not ready now and Luke knows that, I have told him that. For the past week I have been feeling sick, nauseous every morning. I have been having headaches, I am aching all the time, I am tired, I am hormonal, I have been having hot flashes.That is why I want to go to the Gynecologist just to make sure that I am not and if I am not then what else is the problem.Every time I feel sick Luke looks all pissed off. i cannot help that I am not feeling good and Luke getting mad at me wont make it any better. I just want him to be there for when I am not feeling right... I would do that for him, and he knows that! Just because I get sick frequently doesn't mean it is something to ignore and say I am not. My family has a history of illnesses, and now I feel like am being punished for something I cannot even control. And all I want is for Luke to be there to say it is going to be all right. I am saddened EVERY TIME when he thinks that I am lying about being sick or just whatever. He doesn't believe me and it hurts a lot. I feel like an idiot all the time. When Luke walked back home from Avante with0out me, I started crying my eyes out. I try seeing things his way, I know he doesn't want a kid and neither do I. I know he is stressed out about school, I am trying to make him feel happy about going to school. I say little things like good luck or I love you, you'll do great. I JUST WANT HIM TO BELIEVE ME! Walking on the way home I wanted to kill myself, I was thinking of ways to do so too. It is my job to make him happy, but apparently I cannot do that. Why does he have to freak out when I start talking about kids. I don't want one right now, so what is the big deal. Whenever he gets.... mad at me I cannot even talk to him. In the end he is always right and I'm not. He is always jumping to conclusions, things that aren't true and hurt my feelings. Now he is off, he is running to Mark's house to see Aidan and Riley.... You know, I wanted to see them too, and now I may not be able to. He just left when I would like to go as well. He didn't even have to talk to me if he wanted to I just wanted to see everyone. When Luke said that he would rather masturbate than have sex with me just so HE will make sure that HE will not have a kid makes me feel like a slut. I feel like I am only being used for him just to have an orgasm. I felt like I was worth less than shit. Does he know how that makes me feel when he says little hurtful things like that. With all of this out of my head and onto the blog I am now relieved. He probably wont believe me when I say that I forgive him and am sorry for whatever I had done. I love him to much to stay mad at him... I just cant!

All I want is for him to be happy!

I feel like I keep on disappointing him. I want to make him happy! i do not want him to rely on others for the happiness and joy that I should be giving him. I feel like I am failing him as a wife, a friend. Whenever we get into a fight or a little tid starts i forgive him that very second. After the fact of me forgiving him is me trying to get over it, trying to calm down. He thinks I am mad at him or I "just want to be quiet". When I am quiet at times it is usually because I have no idea what to say or I am scared shit less and I do not want to say anything else that can ruin the situation even more than what it already is. I am merely trying to clear my head and rid myself of all things that I am thinking that can hurt me in the run. It doesn't matter anyway. I feel like an idiot! ALL I WANT IS FOR LUKE TO BE HAPPY. Today is our two month anniversary, I am making it a shitty one too. I just wish he could believe me sometimes. I feel like a liar, a moron, when he says that he doesn't believe me. In the end whatever the fight was I don't give a damn about! Like I KEEP on saying I only want him to be happy.... I love him so much.. I just want to scream it to the world and hope everyone from every corner, ditch, and trail can hear me. Just please forgive me.... PLEASE....

Honeymoon

June 26Th 2010: We were leaving the wedding. While we were heading for Ft. Lauderdale I was opening up our cards that we got from the wedding. We came close to $2,000 dollars. Two hours down the road our tire started acting funny. Luke drove into a gas station that was in the middle of nowhere hoping to find someone for help and to see what the problem was. We called my dad and Jimmy was on his way, coming to our rescue. Around 8:00 in the evening he came. He put the donut tire on the back right of Luke's car. We headed for a hotel to stay for the night. If we were to have kept on going it would have been late and Luke would have fallen asleep behind the wheel. The next morning June 27Th 2010: We woke up. Luke went to Wal-Mart to get a new tire around 9:00 in the morning. We left the hotel around 11:30, we had to leave before 12:00. They would have charged us for another night if we had stayed longer. Finally back on the road. We had three more hours till we were there. Sweetness! We got a little confused on how to get to the hotel but we finally made it around 3:00. We got into the hotel with a little trouble. We went to the store to get somethings before we left for the cruise to go to the Bahamas. We had a whole bunch of snacks for dinner. After dinner we went to bed. June 28Th 2010: We woke up early surprisingly for how tired we were yesterday I thought we were going to sleep in till 12:00 or later. We drove around, trying to find a mall. Finally thinking to use the GPS we found one. The mall was called Coral Square. We had a lot of fun! I got my hair cut. I was hoping to surprise some of my family when I got back home. They know me for having long hair so I thought I would just change things up a bit. We went to Hollister. Luke went to some sport shops. I went to Victoria's Secret. By the end of our shopping we decided to go to the food court. The food court was amazingly delicious. We left to go to the bank to put our checks in Luke's debit card. By the end of the day we got to the hotel talked for a bit and then eventually went to sleep. June 29Th 2010: We woke up got ready to go to breakfast downstairs. After we were done we packed up for the cruise and left once we got all packed up and ready. It took a while to get on the cruise ship, we eventually got on about 12:30. We couldn't go into our rooms yet because they were not ready yet. We ate and ate and ate the whole entire time we were on the cruise ship and the island. We walked around and later got ready for dinner. We ate at a fancy restaurant. I couldn't eat because I felt like I was about to be sick. We got back up to the room which was small, the bed was even smaller. Great for honeymooners, right? June 30Th 2010: We arrived in the Bahamas the next morning waking up to no sunlight because we didn't have a window. As we were getting breakfast, there are big windows showing outside. At first being on the ship it looked like a shipyard.. Well it was actually. We were on our way to Our Lacaya, the hotel we were to stay at, the island still looked a little grungy/deserted. We checked into the hotel went to the pool, the beach, got some sun. We didn't do much we were tired. Later that evening we had some chef boyarde. Yummm! Then we both went to bed. July 1St 2010: We got up and went to some of the stores right after breakfast which was yumlicious as well. I absolutely loved the toaster. Toast is now one of my favorite breakfast foods. We went swimming, jetskiing, and Luke went Parasailing. We went to the little hole-in-the-wall shops right next to the hotel. Some shops were real fancy to my surprise. We got a few things for us and our family. After shopping we has some dinner at a restaurant called the prop club. I got a crab pasta dish and Luke got something that had some amazing mashed potatoes. We walked on the beach for a bit, then we headed back for the hotel. We ordered some cakes to the room, which did cost a whole lot just for two slices. We were on the bed watching TV and eating the cakes I got a chocolate cake and Luke got a Cheesecake. I that night got a few things ready for the trip back home on the cruise. Right after that I went to bed. July 2Nd 2010: We woke up got some breakfast. It wasnt as good as yesterdays breakfast, it was decent. We got our things together right after breafast then we left for the cruise ship which took a little while to get back on. We were finally able to get on after 2:00 Once we got back on we once again indulged ourselves in the great and wonderful food that we once before had partaken of. Later in the evening we went back to our cabin to get ready for dinner which was more casual than the one resaurant we went to the first time we were on the cruise. It was called the Rio. The food as everything else was amazing. They served us food plus there was a buffet as well. We sat next to a woman who was little too tipsy. We were talking abpout recipes on how to make plantain lasagna and ect. Afterwards we felt tired, so needless to say we went to bed. July 3Rd 2010: We left the ship as soon as we could... Right after breafast of couse. We wanted to taste the last taste of sweet freedom to indulge. We left the Port around 12:00 and headed home. We had so much fun our trip together. We hope to have many more in our future together.

Before the wedding

Right now I am trying to get everything done for the wedding. I am always tired. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. Luke has been ill lately, I most of the time feel so helpless. I want to be able to help with whatever, but being me I know that I can't. Ill try my hardest but it will never feel like I gave him my all. He is my world, my everything. I am glad that I have him in my life, to be with forever and ever. Megan and I are going to have a girls day out.... oh my goodess. I wonder what will happen. A thought entered my head. When couples get married and get older thhey change. I want what we have to stay and never change. Nomatter what happens. I am way past excited for thhe wedding. Everyone is asking me if I am nervousz? I tell them,"no". Right now for luke and I we are happy as can be. We have had our moments but it is those moments that draw us more closer to each other than any other moment.... love you luke, forever and always. Can't wait to spend all eternity with you.

Together

The title for my last blog was "Luke and I forever and always". A little after that post my wishing and hoping had come true. We are getting married June the 26Th this year, less than two months away. I am so excited and anxious. I have my dress, veil, flower girl dress, one of my bride maids dress (dress is canary yellow), and the invitations are almost in the mail. Right now I have to place an order for the cake, get the rest of the brides maids dresses, buy the tuxedos for the ring bearer, grooms men and most importantly Luke, I need to get the invitations out, set a time before the wedding to get all our hair done, plan the honeymoon a little more, and etc!! I am going insane. I have just recently started taking birth control pills, starting Sunday. I have been having severe side effects the first day I starting taking the pill. Starting with bleeding/spotting, then trouble with breathing, heart racing, moody :-(, weight gain, and I am tired all the time. This is with a low dose. Today I have ran the furthest that I have ever had in a long time. I'm so proud of myself! I am tired.

Luke and I forever and always

For the past few week of being with Luke, I have never been happier. My life has changed, so has my ideas on my future. Knowing that he is in it makes it all the more perfect. I love his smile, his hair ;-), the way he laughs, the little imperfections that make him who he is. I am spending and saving for our future, for our HOME. I talked with my dad today about school. We are planning on calling them this Friday at 11:00 on the dot. I am sooo excited. I can see my future coming together. It may be a bit stressful, but it will all be worth it in the end. I just know that I am happy knowing that I am going to spend my entire life and the rest of all eternity with him. We are going to have a civil wedding so Luke's family will be able to attend. Then we will be sealed in the Temple for all time and eternity. I am just SO happy that Luke wants to be apart of my life and the church as well, the church being part of my life.

March has been amazing

I would have to say I love the month of March. It has been the luckiest month of my life. One thing is that I have met Luke and we have grown REALLY close. I have been just all around happy this month. I love the walks that Luke and I have been going on.. Lately they haven't been walks, more like we have been cuddling. :-)We have been talking about going to Illinois when we will both be taking a break from school. I just hope that with school we will be able to have our time together. I know that it will not be as often or as much as now... I would just miss him!!! It is not like we are not going to be able to see each other, trust me we will find a way.

Wishing

Having dinner with the Wilson Family was hilarious. Rex actually did come... Food was involved, so of course he is going to come. While he was here I couldn't help but think of Luke. I was wishing Luke was here instead of Rex. No offense to Rex or anything, I just wanted Luke to be with me while we were all having fun. I was the talk of the party. It was either they were making fun of me as usual or they were asking questions that made me feel uncomfortable. After all these years of being picked on I thought that I would be use to it. Oh well I guess :-P... I am getting ahead of myself, as usual. This morning Luke came to church with me and my family again. Yay! I kind of wanted him to stay for the third hour. I want to let him know how important the church/gospel is to me. While holding hands in church today for the first hour my fingers started to turn purple. No biggie! With Luke they can be purple anytime.

Busch Gardens: Take 2

On the way to Busch Gardens I was wondering.. Am I Luke's first girlfriend? The answer to that would be yes. I was thinking this for a few days now. I loved going to the park this time. I was able to meet Riley, Luke's niece. And Amy, Riley's mother. Riley was adorable and Amy was super sweet. Later throughout the day I was noticing how we kept on walking closer, bumping into each other... so I thought what the heck. I reached for his arm and then a little after me having his arm in a death grip, I went for the hand. Yup, I so went there. We went on the Water rapid ride two times. The first time we didn't even get wet, I was bummed. We went the second time, we got soaked. We walked in some shops, saw a show or two, cruised around the park for most of the time. Really I just had an AMAZING day. After Luke and I went to Institute, we went to Chick-fil-a. He had never been before, so I thought that I would be the first to introduce him to what he has been missing out on. On the way there I had the worst headache in the world. My arms went numb and tingly, sharp stinging pains all over my head, and I couldn't barely breathe. It hurt so bad I was starting to cry! That is something that I do not want to go through again. Hopefully. Other than that everything was "AMAZING".

Cloud 9

Oh my dang! Last night was the best night by far since Luke and I have been "hanging out". He asked me if I would like to go out with him.. as a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend. My heart dropped. I kept on saying yes. We gave each other a hug after that. Then we started opening up the doors. We told each other how we really felt about one another..... How did all this come about? I told him," I think I have been asking the wrong questions.. about us." I asked him," What are your feelings right now towards me?"..... after going on about what we liked about each other, you know the usual responses. We started talking about the move that his family may take and how it was holding him back from making any decisions. I gave him a number of a guy, that my dad knows, who owns a carpet company. I am HOPING that this will fix the problem. Then we started walking towards the pond... That is when he asked me. Right now I am just so happy nothing can ruin this day. Not even work can change how I feel right now.

Love the kitchen

I never knew how much I missed Melissa until she came to Institute tonight. We were trying to catch up on the months that we haven't seen each other. We told each other of our good and bad moments, most being good. She is now coming to Institute more often than usual. I am sooo happy! I cannot wait until Luke comes over :-D. I would have to say that he is one that puts a smile on my face for no reason at all. Other than me having butterflies all through my body, that is how I express that overwhelming emotion that I have grown fond of. Tomorrow I am finally able to work in the Bakery, being a cake decorator... Which I have NO experience whatsoever! I loath taking calls. Other than the phone I absolutely love the Bakery. I found another one of my drawings that I thought to have lost. Nope. It was in my closet with other pictures that I want to hang on my wall. I have been talking with my mom and she thinks that it is a good idea for me to buy things for my hope chest. I am starting on the kitchen. If you think about it the kitchen is the most expensive part of your home... might as well get that room out of the way, next is the bathroom. I now have cutlery, silverware, (nice golden yellow) plates, and placemats.

Stavros Pizza

I worked from 8:30 - 4:30.... That is all I have to say about work, other than Luke finally came back to work today. Yay! I got home and my family wanted to go out to Stavros. I am thinking I just ate something, why did they wait to tell me this after I ate something. When we were sitting at the table in the corner I told my mom that I told Luke that she thought that Luke was gay. She turned red! I told her how he reacted to the situation, she was embarrassed. I am waiting for him to get off of work now. We want to go to the movie theatre tonight, I am really excited..... Never mind scratch that, I do have something to say about work today. Last night Luke was talking about Katherine and how she get a little flirty with him. Today at work when she was bagging for him it was hilarious. Last nights discussion was playing out in my head.. I hope people didn't think that I was acting all retarded, because I was trying not to laugh. Stavros was really good I only had wee bit of a Greek pizza. Lets just say I am stuffed. I dislike feeling like that. Waiting..waiting....waiting........ :-)

Cole Robertson

With it being daylight savings, I have lost one hour of sleep. Church started at 10:00 and for me it ended at 3:00. I had a meeting right after. Surprisingly for only having around 5 hours of sleep I am not tired. I know a little boy named Cole that I have grown close to, his father (only at the age of 29) past away. He came to me, sad, confused. He asked if I could sit with him. I told him that I would. I missed my Relief Society class, knowing that I should stay with Cole. He started crying and he told me that his father had passed away. He asked if I knew where his dad was. I told him that he is in heaven. Cole is only 9, I think he understands more than what we think he is able to soak in. This little boy touches my heart. His Grandpa was there on the other side of him not going to class as well because he didn't want to leave him alone to his thoughts. When I was sitting next to him he pulled out the hand out cards with Jesus on the front of it. He saw that there was a video on the back, something you can get when you call the number underneath the photo. Cole said "I have to have that, I need that. I need to learn as much of Jesus Christ as I can." I was fighting back tears! This boy after having his father pass away you would think that he would go in the other direction and not seek for help and guidance. We can learn so much from these little guys. We just need to be open to them.

Blood... Eeeew!

When I was on the register today all of a sudden I heard a bang. I was wondering what that was, so was everyone else. All of a sudden I didn't have anyone in my lane. Tiffany told me to get some paper towels on express, I did so then and there. Not knowing what I was about to see, I saw the one thing that can make me sick to my stomach.... BLOOD! Lots of it. An elderly lady fell on the floor, tripping over her own feet. I saw the blood on the floor, on her hands, some on Aaron. The lady had a gash over her right eye brow. I had to leave, so I went back to my register. The rest of the time being on the register I was trying to forget what I had seen. Let me say it wasn't easy. Robert was my bagger, that helped a little. Then 30 minutes right before I was suppose to go home I helped out a lady with a BLOODshot eye. She told me that she had to have a needle injected in her pupil. She said the reason for having the needle was that she was bleeding in the back of her eye. I was going crazy. I was worried for both these women hoping that in the end they will heal. I know they will. I have to forget myself and focus what is at hand. Maybe doing this I can get over my fears of looking at blood.

Horrific weather

I think it is official that the only days I am going to have off of work are the day I posted as N/A. Today went by so fast. The weather scared the living daylights out of me. Thunderstorms and I do not mix well. When I was little I remember making myself fall asleep in the basement, the safest part of our house till the storm went away. I guess you can say I was a well rested individual. I helped my sister in cleaning her disastrous apartment. I was just thinking I could have gone outside and play in the rain.... Why didn't I do that?! Being at my sister's I had an intake of so much junk food it's enough to make me sick... again. I'll stick to my food that doesn't make me feel huge and tired. I thought Institute went well tonight. Alot of people from Leesburg Ward representing! I almost went to sleep while Brother Byron was giving the lesson. Oh my gosh, Scott!!! He is acting like an idiot. I do not think that he has one decent thing to say to anybody. I tried getting to know him, that wasn't a mistake.. the mistake was making him feel like what he was doing was ok, when really it only made him worse. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong I was just being his friend. Well I pulled the plug on that for a while to see where things go. Other than all of that I LOVED THE LESSON!

Not much

When I was on the register tonight at work, Alex was fooling around, acting a fool. He was saying that I have missed out on alot of great movies or just movies period, saying I have missed out on life. Without hesitation, without first processing what I was going to say. I told him," I would rather live life by experiencing it first hand than having someone else live it for me in a movie." The lady I was checking out she was stunned by what I had said. I like closing with Matt Mohrenne but the slackers that close when he does is a different story. Not much happened today, I just wanted to write on my blog. Waiting for a text! ;-)

34 hours AGAIN

I did allot of things that I needed to have gotten done a long time ago today, before I went to work. Getting to work I felt tired, I also felt excited, happy. Matt Mohrenne was the manager that closed. We stayed there till almost 11:00, what a day! Oh yeah from reliable sources ( Matt Warr) I heard that I was getting 34 hours AGAIN but I am only cashiering one day out of this coming schedule. I do not mind at all. Right when the store was closing I saw that Mike Mohrenne was bagging when he was suppose to be doing PM. I took over bagging so he could get back to cleaning. Jodi was the cashier, I had my Till taken while I was blocking so I was bagger lady. Anyways when I started bagging the job was almost done so I just put the groceries in the cart then I pushed the cart about 2 feet ahead so I can help take out the customer and so I could get the carts off the lot. Helping this customer out I realized that this man was Luke's dad. We talked while I was helping him with his groceries. The only reason I knew it was him right away because Luke looks JUST like him. That may be a good thing. Ha ha! I finally had my bagel that I have been craving for the past month with Whipped Philadelphia Cheese!!!!

What a day!

Waking up this morning, I was tired. I then realized that Luke was coming to church with me today. I was excited! Sister Howell's class today in the second hour was amazing. Last time I was in Gospel Doctrine there were some very interesting comments that were made by some of the investigators. Sister Howell's class is an investigator class. I am glad that some people have questions about the church/gospel, it shows that they are interested. When going to church I could tell that Luke was really nervous. I can tell what he may be feeling or thinking just by his reactions, in some ways since he and I are so much alike I kind of know him. I'm not saying that he is predictable, I just understand him. After the second hour we left for home. I was hoping that my dad was going to be there just so that Luke would be able to go to Priesthood. That's okay maybe... wait a minute his friend is coming down. I don't think that he would want to come, he may surprise me. Anyways we played basketball a little after he took me home. He showed me his foot and ankle. I was thinking that we have a delicate flower on our hands :-P. When he left :-( I had some lunch and around 3:00 I went to sleep. I woke up around 8:00, played with Bailey, and I am now writing on my blog. What a day! I loved every minute of it, now I am going to sleep. I am working from 9:30 to 7:00, yay.

By far the best

Starting the day off I went to work and I ended my day ending work. I worked a 12 hour shift, if you count my breaks. At the end of the day AFTER WORK the usual people went to Ramshackles (Colton, Matt, Judah, Justin, Luke, and I). We had sooo much fun tonight going to Wal-Mart and hanging out in Judah's car. Matt and I tangoed. He texts me saying "I like turtles" and I replied back saying "Well guess what I don't :-P". That is how our little spiff began. The best part of that evening when Luke and I were going home. Sitting outside my house were talking and out of nowhere he was puling something from his jacket, I think that's what it was. What he showed me was so beautiful! He had shown me a little wooden statue of a seahorse. He was asking me if it was something that I would put up on my shelf. I told him "Of course." He said that it was for me, that he got it for me. This night by far was the best for he and I.

To and from

I finally have figured out the reason why I hated it when people would say "That's life" or "That is the way things are". It is an answer for those that have given up. My thoughts lead to action, like some. When others give up I feel like they are not self-motivated or they feel defeated. Now i know the reason behind these responses, I will give one of my own as well. DON'T GIVE UP, NEVER LET ANYTHING GET YOU DOWN!.... I was thinking all of this on the way to and from getting Nana from school. Another thought I had was: Why would I wanna be when I could be me? Think about it. ;-)... Another thought I had was at Institute. Out of nowhere this came to my mind "Men are cowards and women are desperate". I rephrased that sentence into: Men are cowards because women are desperate. Another phrase was: Women are desperate because men are cowards. That sentence goes both ways, like there is two sides to a story. Everyone has their opinion and their own point of view.

The Jamaican Cow

Making the poster today for our store (store number 815) was really fun. I call my masterpiece "The Jamaican Cow". My color scheme was green, black, and yellow, and the design for the board looked like a cow print, ugh. It looks OK, I guess. I got home around 2:00. When I got home I went through some of my stacks of paper. I saw a poem that I wrote a long time ago. I called it "Fallen". "Enduring life's mystery, repeating past history. Walking through trials we cannot overcome, taking in what we have lost and won. Regretting what we have done, feeling like we are the only one. Living to much out of light, knowing you can never win the fight. Where is the rise after the fall? We seem weak and act small. Where is the love that strikes the heart? feeling like we are falling apart." Now I am tired! I think I want to go to bed, like right now. ;-) I think I will.

Yesterday and today

I seem to be writing about the day before instead of today. Yesterday I woke up at 7:00, with only having 5 hours of sleep, I didn't mind ;-). I went to work thinking I was going to work from 8:30 to 3:30, but Tiffany saw that I had put in a time away form for Kastin's wedding. She felt bad missing it, so she asked Nici to see if she could take over the rest of my hours that I worked that day just so that I could help my dad with the food for the wedding. I was sent home at 1:30, and at the end of the day Luke told me that he came in around 2:30 with Rob. I was then wishing I would of just finished my hours that I had intended on working. The wedding started at 7:00, it was GREAT, I am glad I went. I figured out that most of the people that attend a wedding are single, go figure. I got to dance with a guy named Logan, and a few other crazy girls. When I got home around 12:00 Luke came over and we walked around for a bit talking, then we decided it was to cold, so we sat in his car for the rest of the time. Sadly we were only able to talk for a little bit, till 1:30... Now today I am going to work @ 5:00 and working till close which is 10:00. I am so excited for this Friday when we get to go to Ramshackles. Last weeks night out was an adventure. Tomorrow I am going to go to the Lake Square Mall Publix to decorate our poster for all the associates that have worked at Publix for 5+ years. I am really nervous, I hope I do not screw it up!

Best two years of your life!

Two missionaries returned form their mission about a week ago. They had the opportunity to talk in Sacrament. The first talk given was by Rex Wilson. These are my notes I took while listening, you know its not every day we get a return missionary, so full of the Gospel. His talk was on how we can lose our lives for the Lord. Matthew 16:6. Lose our self completely, forget our troubles and serve the Lord. How to lose yourself: 1) Obedience 2) Diligence. Small things should never be ignored. Is our heart perfect towards God? How can we perfect ourselves? When God gives us an assignment we must obey! Can we be found with a perfect heart? Can others see a difference in us on a day to day basis? Are we giving our lives to the Savior? Change provides joy. Salvation is not a cheap experience, it does not come easy. He loves us, that is why He gave us hard things to do.... Our next talk was given by our other return missionary Blake Russ. His talk was on Adversity, here are my notes from his talk: Adversity comes to all of us, no matter what your status is here on Earth. How are we going to deal with adversity? It can either bring us closer to the Lord or it can lead us away. We are happy when we follow the Gospel righteously. Our greatest adversity is when their is contention in the home. We must sacrifice... After he was done with his talk he bore his testimony in Spanish, it was beautiful beyond description... When they were finished with their talks I didn't want sacrament to end, I felt peaceful. After Sacrament it was the same, crazy and hectic. For the past few weeks I have been feeling down. I knew that I went through my hardships for a reason. That Sunday I was so full of the Spirit. Others were feeling down, and out of place, confused, and what not. At the end of the day I gave them all a hug and told them that everything is OK, and that we are going through these trials for a reason. We will become stronger in the end.

Doubtful

Today my whole self came to a halt. I was crushed, devastated, irritated, and doubtful. Something that I never wanted to be. We are only human, we can work hard in not feeling that way. It is hard and I am trying my hardest to being happy again. I guess I was just hoping that this special certain someone could be apart of my life. Someone I have had a crush on for sooo long. Maybe him leaving is a sign, saying we are not meant to be. I try not to think about it, but I cannot help to think that, that is the case. I guess I am scared growing up alone. The fear of not being able to share my feelings and soul with the one person that I will spend the rest of my life with and for all eternity. I do not date, I just have never taken stuff like that lightly. I found someone that was right and perfect in my eyes and in my heart. His flaws being adorable and perfect to me. Today was one of the worst days of my life. I cleaned the house, that goes to show how sad I really was. "Was" being the word. I don't want to feel sad forever but sometimes "It is the soul cleansing itself." :-(

Clearer

For the past week or so things have been crazy. I have not been able to make sense of anything. Last night when Luke and I were talking things started making sense, things that have been puzzling me, the pieces were put together. My future becoming clearer. I want to tell him how I feel, I just hope I don't scare him off. Maybe he has the same feelings for me. Last night when we were laughing I was listening to his laugh, because sometimes people give the same regular oh that's funny but not really laugh. His laugh was cute and adorable, but most of all it was real :-). I was thinking tonight at Institute that a persons flaws make them who they are, then why do people embarrass others about their unique personality and features. Maybe they wish more for themselves, wish for things that they don't have but others do. They get jealous, and tear others down. They forget there purpose and values. Life isn't worth living unless you live it to YOUR fullest, don't try to be something else. I have been making more time to draw. Instead of reading I draw. Reading has changed my mood, not in a good way. I guess I get into the book a little bit to much. Work is fun. I love the atmosphere, and the people that make working at Publix the bomb.

A blush to tell all

I love those moments I get when it feels like butterflies are going crazy all through my body. The feeling I get when I feel so happy. This happy feeling is a crush, a major crush. Everyone is pretty much working with me at Publix to see if Luke likes me. I have always liked Luke since we started working together. My feeling for him have never changed. My feelings for him increase as we hang out and get to know each other. I care alot about him, as I do with others. People say that when they talk about me around him he starts to blush and smile alot. :-D Thumbs up for me! I am so happy with the way things are going. I just want to hug him forever, he is a 6 foot 2 inch teddy bear ha ha!

Meaning and purpose of life

Days have gone by, I am not sure what I am suppose to do. I want to be a Kindergarten teacher, I want to get married in the temple, get a house, a car. Anything that can get me to where I want to go, back to my Heavenly Father. I just want to do something with my life. I am now making, dedicating myself to be more than what I really am. I am tired of being mediocre, tired of being predictable. I know life is hard and I know that making it out in the world, being successful is not going to be easy. I think if we have one chance on Earth, then why waste our chances we have to succeed. most people do not have the chance or the opportunity. Life: 1)Existence in physical world. 2)Living things considered together. 3)Whole time somebody is alive. 4)Biography... Another definition for Life is: Life imprisonment. How sad it is to think that life is a prison, when really prison is a place where criminals are confined: a secure place where somebody is confined as punishment for a crime. Life isn't a prison nor a crime! Life has never been, it only feels like it to some that are depressed and think that they have no say in anything that goes on. It's my time to shine!

Successful!

Recently my life has been changing, I know that it always will because that is what life is all about. Right now I have goals of going to school in hopes of becoming a kindergarden teacher, coming semester. I am (desperately) saving my money for a car, trying to save money right now is hard, there are other things out there that are also a necessity of life. I am in hopes of finding Mr. Right. Ha ha! I am not worried about moving out right now because when I am going to school I wish to stay home so I can have a support group. I am a planner, a go-getter, but there is one thing that I want to be, Successful.