I love you!

Today has had it's ups and downs, mostly down, but where would I be without them. Today there was a disagreement with Luke and I, something stupid that got to be over the top retarded because it just kept on going. Today at work I couldn't stop thinking about Luke, and the fight. I just wanted to say to him right at that moment, "I want this to be over, I love you soo much that words cannot describe, and all what we are really doing is hurting each other." But he was at school and I was at work. Later on Luke came to start his shift. I felt so sad because I knew he was. During the end of work I called my mom to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to take the car and go back to Publix just to pick him up and waste gas. While I was trying to do that I opened my phone to see that Luke had left me four pages of a text saying that he doesn't know what I am thinking because I do not tell him, that he loves me, and how much he is saddened to see me distressed. I want to tell him EVERYTHING it is just that if I tell him what I am thinking, I do not want him to get anymore angry. I just figure if I stay quiet things will subside and everything will be alright. And most of the time I do not know what to say, and I do not want to say anything stupid and screw everything up. Which makes me depressed is knowing that Luke is thinking that he is at fault for everything when really it takes to people to tango. Luke, it is not your fault, I love you more than anything else in this world, I would give everything I have just to make you happy. I want you to know that I will always take your side and be by your side. Love you always and forever and ever.

Hurt Feelings :-(

One thing is certain I know pregnancy tests are not 100% accurate. I am scared just as much as he is maybe even more of having a kid. I am scared to death. I think of Luke's reaction toward having a kid and I also think about not being able to take care of it properly. I get sad every time a conversation with a kid pops up because I know Luke isn't happy with the idea. I am not ready now and Luke knows that, I have told him that. For the past week I have been feeling sick, nauseous every morning. I have been having headaches, I am aching all the time, I am tired, I am hormonal, I have been having hot flashes.That is why I want to go to the Gynecologist just to make sure that I am not and if I am not then what else is the problem.Every time I feel sick Luke looks all pissed off. i cannot help that I am not feeling good and Luke getting mad at me wont make it any better. I just want him to be there for when I am not feeling right... I would do that for him, and he knows that! Just because I get sick frequently doesn't mean it is something to ignore and say I am not. My family has a history of illnesses, and now I feel like am being punished for something I cannot even control. And all I want is for Luke to be there to say it is going to be all right. I am saddened EVERY TIME when he thinks that I am lying about being sick or just whatever. He doesn't believe me and it hurts a lot. I feel like an idiot all the time. When Luke walked back home from Avante with0out me, I started crying my eyes out. I try seeing things his way, I know he doesn't want a kid and neither do I. I know he is stressed out about school, I am trying to make him feel happy about going to school. I say little things like good luck or I love you, you'll do great. I JUST WANT HIM TO BELIEVE ME! Walking on the way home I wanted to kill myself, I was thinking of ways to do so too. It is my job to make him happy, but apparently I cannot do that. Why does he have to freak out when I start talking about kids. I don't want one right now, so what is the big deal. Whenever he gets.... mad at me I cannot even talk to him. In the end he is always right and I'm not. He is always jumping to conclusions, things that aren't true and hurt my feelings. Now he is off, he is running to Mark's house to see Aidan and Riley.... You know, I wanted to see them too, and now I may not be able to. He just left when I would like to go as well. He didn't even have to talk to me if he wanted to I just wanted to see everyone. When Luke said that he would rather masturbate than have sex with me just so HE will make sure that HE will not have a kid makes me feel like a slut. I feel like I am only being used for him just to have an orgasm. I felt like I was worth less than shit. Does he know how that makes me feel when he says little hurtful things like that. With all of this out of my head and onto the blog I am now relieved. He probably wont believe me when I say that I forgive him and am sorry for whatever I had done. I love him to much to stay mad at him... I just cant!