I love you!

Today has had it's ups and downs, mostly down, but where would I be without them. Today there was a disagreement with Luke and I, something stupid that got to be over the top retarded because it just kept on going. Today at work I couldn't stop thinking about Luke, and the fight. I just wanted to say to him right at that moment, "I want this to be over, I love you soo much that words cannot describe, and all what we are really doing is hurting each other." But he was at school and I was at work. Later on Luke came to start his shift. I felt so sad because I knew he was. During the end of work I called my mom to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to take the car and go back to Publix just to pick him up and waste gas. While I was trying to do that I opened my phone to see that Luke had left me four pages of a text saying that he doesn't know what I am thinking because I do not tell him, that he loves me, and how much he is saddened to see me distressed. I want to tell him EVERYTHING it is just that if I tell him what I am thinking, I do not want him to get anymore angry. I just figure if I stay quiet things will subside and everything will be alright. And most of the time I do not know what to say, and I do not want to say anything stupid and screw everything up. Which makes me depressed is knowing that Luke is thinking that he is at fault for everything when really it takes to people to tango. Luke, it is not your fault, I love you more than anything else in this world, I would give everything I have just to make you happy. I want you to know that I will always take your side and be by your side. Love you always and forever and ever.

Hurt Feelings :-(

One thing is certain I know pregnancy tests are not 100% accurate. I am scared just as much as he is maybe even more of having a kid. I am scared to death. I think of Luke's reaction toward having a kid and I also think about not being able to take care of it properly. I get sad every time a conversation with a kid pops up because I know Luke isn't happy with the idea. I am not ready now and Luke knows that, I have told him that. For the past week I have been feeling sick, nauseous every morning. I have been having headaches, I am aching all the time, I am tired, I am hormonal, I have been having hot flashes.That is why I want to go to the Gynecologist just to make sure that I am not and if I am not then what else is the problem.Every time I feel sick Luke looks all pissed off. i cannot help that I am not feeling good and Luke getting mad at me wont make it any better. I just want him to be there for when I am not feeling right... I would do that for him, and he knows that! Just because I get sick frequently doesn't mean it is something to ignore and say I am not. My family has a history of illnesses, and now I feel like am being punished for something I cannot even control. And all I want is for Luke to be there to say it is going to be all right. I am saddened EVERY TIME when he thinks that I am lying about being sick or just whatever. He doesn't believe me and it hurts a lot. I feel like an idiot all the time. When Luke walked back home from Avante with0out me, I started crying my eyes out. I try seeing things his way, I know he doesn't want a kid and neither do I. I know he is stressed out about school, I am trying to make him feel happy about going to school. I say little things like good luck or I love you, you'll do great. I JUST WANT HIM TO BELIEVE ME! Walking on the way home I wanted to kill myself, I was thinking of ways to do so too. It is my job to make him happy, but apparently I cannot do that. Why does he have to freak out when I start talking about kids. I don't want one right now, so what is the big deal. Whenever he gets.... mad at me I cannot even talk to him. In the end he is always right and I'm not. He is always jumping to conclusions, things that aren't true and hurt my feelings. Now he is off, he is running to Mark's house to see Aidan and Riley.... You know, I wanted to see them too, and now I may not be able to. He just left when I would like to go as well. He didn't even have to talk to me if he wanted to I just wanted to see everyone. When Luke said that he would rather masturbate than have sex with me just so HE will make sure that HE will not have a kid makes me feel like a slut. I feel like I am only being used for him just to have an orgasm. I felt like I was worth less than shit. Does he know how that makes me feel when he says little hurtful things like that. With all of this out of my head and onto the blog I am now relieved. He probably wont believe me when I say that I forgive him and am sorry for whatever I had done. I love him to much to stay mad at him... I just cant!

All I want is for him to be happy!

I feel like I keep on disappointing him. I want to make him happy! i do not want him to rely on others for the happiness and joy that I should be giving him. I feel like I am failing him as a wife, a friend. Whenever we get into a fight or a little tid starts i forgive him that very second. After the fact of me forgiving him is me trying to get over it, trying to calm down. He thinks I am mad at him or I "just want to be quiet". When I am quiet at times it is usually because I have no idea what to say or I am scared shit less and I do not want to say anything else that can ruin the situation even more than what it already is. I am merely trying to clear my head and rid myself of all things that I am thinking that can hurt me in the run. It doesn't matter anyway. I feel like an idiot! ALL I WANT IS FOR LUKE TO BE HAPPY. Today is our two month anniversary, I am making it a shitty one too. I just wish he could believe me sometimes. I feel like a liar, a moron, when he says that he doesn't believe me. In the end whatever the fight was I don't give a damn about! Like I KEEP on saying I only want him to be happy.... I love him so much.. I just want to scream it to the world and hope everyone from every corner, ditch, and trail can hear me. Just please forgive me.... PLEASE....

Honeymoon

June 26Th 2010: We were leaving the wedding. While we were heading for Ft. Lauderdale I was opening up our cards that we got from the wedding. We came close to $2,000 dollars. Two hours down the road our tire started acting funny. Luke drove into a gas station that was in the middle of nowhere hoping to find someone for help and to see what the problem was. We called my dad and Jimmy was on his way, coming to our rescue. Around 8:00 in the evening he came. He put the donut tire on the back right of Luke's car. We headed for a hotel to stay for the night. If we were to have kept on going it would have been late and Luke would have fallen asleep behind the wheel. The next morning June 27Th 2010: We woke up. Luke went to Wal-Mart to get a new tire around 9:00 in the morning. We left the hotel around 11:30, we had to leave before 12:00. They would have charged us for another night if we had stayed longer. Finally back on the road. We had three more hours till we were there. Sweetness! We got a little confused on how to get to the hotel but we finally made it around 3:00. We got into the hotel with a little trouble. We went to the store to get somethings before we left for the cruise to go to the Bahamas. We had a whole bunch of snacks for dinner. After dinner we went to bed. June 28Th 2010: We woke up early surprisingly for how tired we were yesterday I thought we were going to sleep in till 12:00 or later. We drove around, trying to find a mall. Finally thinking to use the GPS we found one. The mall was called Coral Square. We had a lot of fun! I got my hair cut. I was hoping to surprise some of my family when I got back home. They know me for having long hair so I thought I would just change things up a bit. We went to Hollister. Luke went to some sport shops. I went to Victoria's Secret. By the end of our shopping we decided to go to the food court. The food court was amazingly delicious. We left to go to the bank to put our checks in Luke's debit card. By the end of the day we got to the hotel talked for a bit and then eventually went to sleep. June 29Th 2010: We woke up got ready to go to breakfast downstairs. After we were done we packed up for the cruise and left once we got all packed up and ready. It took a while to get on the cruise ship, we eventually got on about 12:30. We couldn't go into our rooms yet because they were not ready yet. We ate and ate and ate the whole entire time we were on the cruise ship and the island. We walked around and later got ready for dinner. We ate at a fancy restaurant. I couldn't eat because I felt like I was about to be sick. We got back up to the room which was small, the bed was even smaller. Great for honeymooners, right? June 30Th 2010: We arrived in the Bahamas the next morning waking up to no sunlight because we didn't have a window. As we were getting breakfast, there are big windows showing outside. At first being on the ship it looked like a shipyard.. Well it was actually. We were on our way to Our Lacaya, the hotel we were to stay at, the island still looked a little grungy/deserted. We checked into the hotel went to the pool, the beach, got some sun. We didn't do much we were tired. Later that evening we had some chef boyarde. Yummm! Then we both went to bed. July 1St 2010: We got up and went to some of the stores right after breakfast which was yumlicious as well. I absolutely loved the toaster. Toast is now one of my favorite breakfast foods. We went swimming, jetskiing, and Luke went Parasailing. We went to the little hole-in-the-wall shops right next to the hotel. Some shops were real fancy to my surprise. We got a few things for us and our family. After shopping we has some dinner at a restaurant called the prop club. I got a crab pasta dish and Luke got something that had some amazing mashed potatoes. We walked on the beach for a bit, then we headed back for the hotel. We ordered some cakes to the room, which did cost a whole lot just for two slices. We were on the bed watching TV and eating the cakes I got a chocolate cake and Luke got a Cheesecake. I that night got a few things ready for the trip back home on the cruise. Right after that I went to bed. July 2Nd 2010: We woke up got some breakfast. It wasnt as good as yesterdays breakfast, it was decent. We got our things together right after breafast then we left for the cruise ship which took a little while to get back on. We were finally able to get on after 2:00 Once we got back on we once again indulged ourselves in the great and wonderful food that we once before had partaken of. Later in the evening we went back to our cabin to get ready for dinner which was more casual than the one resaurant we went to the first time we were on the cruise. It was called the Rio. The food as everything else was amazing. They served us food plus there was a buffet as well. We sat next to a woman who was little too tipsy. We were talking abpout recipes on how to make plantain lasagna and ect. Afterwards we felt tired, so needless to say we went to bed. July 3Rd 2010: We left the ship as soon as we could... Right after breafast of couse. We wanted to taste the last taste of sweet freedom to indulge. We left the Port around 12:00 and headed home. We had so much fun our trip together. We hope to have many more in our future together.